What It Means (And Doesn’t Mean) To See Your Crisis Through “Loving Eyes”
After the death of my father, I was faced with the responsibility of my mothers’ care. She depended upon my father to give her support in many different ways, so when he passed, many of her needs mostly fell upon me.
Despite my obvious love for her, this was particularly challenging for me as I already had a great deal on my plate with other responsibilities. Not only that, but I had worked hard for many years to establish boundaries over helping others at my own expense. That was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. But that’s a story to save for later.
Regarding the caretaking issue with my mother, I had an internal conflict raging inside me. One side told me I should do more for her because,after all, I loved my mother and it was the right thing to do. The other side told me to stop doing so much because I couldn’t afford another burnout. Needless to say, this situation ended up becoming a personal crisis for me.
Fortunately, because of what I do, I possessed the tools I needed to work through this crisis. And the most helpful tool for me was to see this internal conflict through “loving eyes”.
So what does it mean to see the crisis through “loving eyes”? Before I get into that, let me first share some examples of what seeing your crisis through “loving eyes” does NOT mean:
It does NOT mean to engage in toxic positivity, which is a false belief that everything is always good and that you should always be happy.
It does NOT mean to gloss over or deny your crisis is happening or your thoughts and feelings about it.
It does NOT mean to just power through your crisis without taking the time to process your emotions or to seek support.
Let’s expand a bit on these examples...
Toxic Positivity.
Toxic positivity is a false belief that everything is always good and that you should always be happy. It can be harmful because it can prevent people from acknowledging and processing their negative emotions. This can lead to problems such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse.
If I had engaged in toxic positivity while dealing with my crisis, I would never truly find any resolution and peace with the situation, in fact, I would be creating more internal (and possibly external) chaos with the added pressures I was putting on myself to always be happy. I’m most certain my physical health would suffer from those pressures, too.
Denial.
Denial is a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves from difficult or painful emotions. When someone is in denial, they refuse to accept the reality of a situation. This can be helpful in the short-term, as it can allow people to cope with a crisis without feeling overwhelmed. However, denial can also be harmful, as it can prevent people from taking steps to address the problem.
If I had denied my crisis was happening – which in turn would deny my thoughts and feelings about it – the crisis would have grown so much that I TRULY would have been overwhelmed. I would have felt so powerless in the long run and be stuck in the victim role. This would be draining on all levels and ANY area of responsibility outside of that situation would have been neglected.
Just Powering Through.
To just focus on getting through your crisis without taking the time to process your emotions or to seek support is to bottle up your feelings and try to deal with them on your own. This could be harmful to your mental and emotional health, and it could make it more difficult to cope with the crisis in the long run. It is important to take the time to process your emotions and to seek support from others when you are going through a crisis.
Again, if I just powered through my crisis waiting for the ending to come, I would be continuously looking to the future and missing out on any of the good stuff that was present in my life. I’d be very ungrounded and not present at all. Plus, the frustration of waiting would add a high degree of stress to an already stressful situation. Talk about adding fuel to the fire.
Now, here are some examples of what seeing your crisis through “loving eyes” does mean:
It means to apply compassion for yourself and to acknowledge that you are going through a difficult time.
It means to seek to discover yourself as better than you thought you were, without discounting your flaws.
It means to acknowledge the support that you have from others and to allow yourself to be helped.
It means to spot the good in the bad, even if it is just a small thing.
Let’s dive a little deeper into these examples...
Self-Compassion.
Seeing your crisis through loving eyes is a way of looking at your situation with compassion and understanding. It doesn’t mean that you have to like what’s happening or that you have to pretend that everything is okay. It simply means that you can accept your situation and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.
Practicing this during my crisis gave me much needed validation about the feelings I was having and the thoughts I was thinking. It helped me to gain enough distance to experience some much needed peace. This, in turn, helped me to re-discover my inner strength so I could persevere.
Discover Yourself Anew.
Seeing your crisis through loving eyes helps you to discover yourself as better than you thought you were. Here you are able to witness the strength and resilience that you innately have within yourself.
Once I was able to feel better through self-compassion, enough space was created for me to re-discover my inner strength and also to discover my worth and value as a person with limits. I didn’t have to help all the time — at my own expense — in order to feel worthy. Additionally, I was able to realize just how much I helped my mother already.
Seek & Allow Support.
When you see your crisis through loving eyes you become open and aware of the people who love and care about you and who want to support you. Furthermore, you are more likely to allow yourself to be helped.
This was a big one for me. Receiving support from others was a humbling and nurturing experience. The self-punishing part of me, the one telling me to do more, quieted down and allowed me to be more present with myself and with my mother. Having support gave me more balance and gave me permission to tend to my own need for a little fun.
Spot Something Good.
When you see your crisis through loving eyes, you are able to spot the good in the bad, even if it is a small (but meaningful) thing. When you train your brain to spot something good within something bad, your brain is on a path of expanding your perception. Eventually, you begin to see the good that can come out of this difficult time.
For me, the good was self rediscovery. I rediscovered my inner strength and resilience, and I rediscovered that my worth wasn’t dependent upon my ability to help. Celebrating those positives during that crisis helped to increase the joyful feelings they evoked. Seeing my crisis and myself through loving eyes also positively changed the dynamic between me and my mother so that our time together could be more lighthearted and genuine.
So, to summarize, when you see your crisis through loving eyes, as I did in the examples above, you are better able to:
Accept your situation and move forward in a positive way.
Reduce stress and anxiety.
Improve your mental and emotional health.
Build resilience and strength.
Connect with others and find support.
I’m grateful for the work I do with others in my profession - without it I probably wouldn’t have had this tool to utilize during that difficult time in my life. It helped me to quiet the nagging voice in my head long enough for me to begin to adapt and make necessary changes in my patterns of thought, emotions and behavior.
Remember that many of us go through different types of crises in our lives. As you can see, it is possible to get through this difficult time. With compassion, understanding, and support, you can move forward in a positive way.
If you’d like to learn more about moving forward through your personal crisis, let’s talk! Contact me to schedule a your free consultation.
